Failure of the Left.........

  the left side of my stomach that is. i was supposed to take a stroll with the husband tonight but after being out at a couple of stores gathering food i was in too much pain. tonight the left side of my stomach was hurting quite a bit with the right side. i let my pills wear off some to see how bad my pain is and well, now i have an idea. so maybe tomorrow night i will try wrapping my stomach and see about that stroll. since the stomach went south i have gained some weight. probably a good ten pounds and that is just not acceptable. the last thing i need is a bunch of fat pushing on everything too. i also noticed while examining my wrinkles in the mirror that pressing on my belly button area brings about the burning pain. oh such fun. if it all collapses will i be able to stand? sit up? with that threat hanging over me you would think it enough to get me to the surgeon. nope. still does not out weigh what i will feel like after surgery. yeah it is only a day or two of pure hell but i am just not that brave right now. maybe later. anyway here are two pictures of what i looked like after my emergency c-section. not pretty at all.

 

 

is that not just delicious. it was hell, HELL i tell you. so anyway one giant upside down T incision. just lovely. they even had to take my intestines out to find the baby and my bladder was in the wrong place too. why? because of stan(the hernia incase you aren't up to date). so there are the pictures i promised. all serious stuff today. i am laughing on the inside. really.

your laughing pill head

 

Bending Over is Overrated

  seriously bending over is overrated. what can you possibly accomplish by bending over? you are thinking, "well, to pick things up silly", "to stretch out those old creaky muscles", well you are wrong; very, very, wrong. in truth bending over accomplishes nothing but making your arse stick up and spread across, scaring and scarring everyone in a one mile radius, possibly more depending on your arse size. at present i am only admitting to a one mile radius. what i admit to and what is reality are two entirely different things. you will just have to trust me. so back to my point about bending over........i can only bend over part of the way before a screaming(yes my abdomen screams), burning, tearing sensation rips through my belly button area which could indeed result in my screaming had i stayed there for too long. you are now screaming at my poor sentence structure and poor use of grammar. this new situation counts as a new development in the unstable stomach situation. in truth though, i bet this is a very old development because bending over would mean i am doing work(cleaning house etc.) and i swore off work two years ago. hmmmm maybe three years ago. not sure when it happened but i know i swore it off. perhaps my not going to a surgeon is also because i am very curious to see what happens to my unraveling abdomen. will my muscle wall completely open up spilling all of my intestines out into the skin sack? will all of my organs fall out with? i am fairly certain my bladder is being pushed down or something is touching it that should not be. i plan to post pictures of before and after so we can all stare in fascination at how grotesque my stomach was and continues to be. perhaps some of you would like to take a crack at, well, the crack in my stomach. feel free. in fact, i encourage it. we could start a pool and have a winner at the end of it all.

your unraveling pill head

Vacations Over

it is hardly a vacation. more like laziness, lack of creative thought, lack of desire to say anymore about anything. how long have i been away? i do not know as i would have to look and im too lazy. i know it has been over a year though. you have missed plenty of drama. wish i had missed all that drama. there was a baby in late summer 2011 that was not supposed to be here until late fall 2011. she was wanting out of  the pathetic contraption that is my abdomen. talk about major failure. i wasn't even supposed to have a baby again because of my huge hernia, stan. the pill didn't work and so now we have another child. she was three months early and i was 2 pints of blood shy of death. another close call, my closest yet. apparently though i am supposed to be here still and so is she. recovery was hell. i am being kind in that description. stan was temporarily closed but he managed to bust free of his stitches. a year later and my abdomen is sucking itself inward. my body has decided to consume itself. talk about overeating. i need a surgeon, a good one. my belly button is closed and my stomach has taken on a new shape in a matter of two months. i am convinced my abdomen is a vortex that is going to eventually suck all of me into. now why have i not run to a surgeon to fix this? one very good reason. im dependant on pain medication. due to this, as i found out after my emergency c-section, pain medication given after surgery does not do anything for me. in fact they gave me so much dilaudid(sp?, too lazy to look) that a nurse had to sit by my bed and remind me to breathe, and still  had no pain relief from that awful surgery. i have pictures of my stomach i will post later. anyway, if i get my stomach fixed i will have to go through hell again and i do not want to go through that again. i was so messed up after i told my husband there was no god. cause you see i prayed and prayed for relief and received none. so again i say, hell. perhaps next year the memory from that will not be so fresh. perhaps next year i will be brave. probably not. what is probably going to happen is something will break so badly i'll need an e.r. one night. i figure it will be that i can't pee anymore or something like that. either way it will not be pretty. nothing ever is with me.
  in other news, the fibro and the ebv and the my body sucks, continues as always. i think i have gotten worse physically the last six months or so. i have a 2 inch cyst on my kidney that im supposed to see a urologist about but urologists are satan and my mom told me not to talk to him. i dont think its bothering me anyway. i've had major issues with headaches. my doctor will only prescribe one type of migraine pill and it does not work so i use muscle relaxers for those. i had a headache for three bloody months. i still get a headache a few times a week varying from bad to full blown migraine. no big deal. you adapt. you keep on. i mean seriouslyit could be worse. i could be dieing. im not dieing and i dont usually feel like im dieing so i consider that a good thing. a positive. there really are many positives in life. i can sit here and tell you everything i struggle with most everyday but in the big grand scheme of things i am alive. i dont even care about quality of life, i am alive. i make light of this as much as possble because it is all really funny. painful but funny. my mother does not think so but again i say it is funny. if life gives you lemons, let them rot. seriously, let them rot. i have enough to do without having to worry about a bunch of lemons. yeah there are those fools making lemonade with their lemons but i am not that guy. throw them out. it is just more work to do something with them. so thats my great advice and my great adventure this past year or so. now that i have started talking  do not want to stop. oh well, since i am alive there will be other days to bore you on.

your friendly pill head

New Stuff

i know your hopes were up that i really had something new to tell you but i don't. it is time to see the regular doc again so he can remember why he gives me 80 talwin a month. i have some new symptoms to add so maybe that will lead to more guniea pigging. newest things are swelling. i have in the past had some swelling but figured it was due to girly monthly thing. this swelling is not so scheduled. sucks cause i like my rings but can't wear them. the swelling occurs in my legs too. anyway i haven't had a good night in ages it seems. usually by eveining i feel okay to move and even sometimes i have a burst of life rush into me. not anymore. wish i knew where that went cause i could really go for a dose. nope, just been laying around moping. kidneys still burn like fire so that is why i say laying. that still comes and goes. so anyway i bring up our lesson for the year as it might be that long again till i write here. here we go.

i know i have mentioned before about people saying "cowboy up" and "that doesn't hurt". well the lesson is don't assume something doesn't hurt someone just because it doesn't hurt you. see my mom would smack me on the back, not so much in a mean way, just a smack. i would shriek cause it bloody hurts and she would say , "that doesn't hurt! you are such a baby(or dramatic, or a wuss, or whatever she felt like telling me i was). so anyway i thought i indeed was a baby, i mean why did that hurt so much. there was no convinving her that it really did hurt. guess i have no tolerance for pain. nope that isn't it. whatever the hell is wrong with me makes me hurt everywhere and sometimes even the lightest touch is uncomfortable. so smacking me on the back will indeed cause me much pain. there are other things i have reacted to that perhaps your normal adverage person wouldn't and therefore i get called things alot. i am not a baby and i don't want people to feel sorry for me. i have learned a great lesson in this mess i am. the biggest is making assumptions about how people feel or should feel. my kids will benefit from this cause they will never here, "oh that didn't hurt, you are such a baby". i won't say it cause i don't know what they feel. i am not them. so there is your lesson. its really best not to assume anyway. you might end up being the guy being called the baby.

your baby pillhead

Experiments

Okay sorry it has been so long. ill make an effort to keep this more up to date. so anyway, i read that tanning can help with pain. i decided to give it a try cause i like tanning despite the fact ill get skin cancer and die. at least ill look good in my coffin, maybe. i tanned for two months. i can't say i noticed much help in the pain area but it definitely boosts my mood, keeps my freak rash away and gives me a fabulous tan!

The latest experiment has been liquid chorophyll. i've been taking about two tablespoons twice a day(morning, night, or when i remember) for almost a month now. i have indeed noticed less fatigue. this is good cause i have been going through super sleepy flares. i am going to stay on the chlorophyll as regularly as i can as i think it is very helpful.

I tried an emu oil experiment on my sore spots but i kept forgetting to use it. so emu oil experiment has been cancelled due to fog, brain fog that is. i do use it when i remember but i can't say ive noticed it helping

So far my meds are- talwin 3x every four hours as needed for pain, effexor for pain(not working at all), and birth control

My pain has been off and on tolerable to unbearable in the morning. mornings remain the absolute worst time of the day for me unless im in a flare up. im thinking of getting back on the anti inflammatory i suddenly forgot the name of. i got off it cause i didn't think it was helping but i think it was doing more than i knew.

I'm having alot of trouble with my hands. they hurt all the time. my knuckles are stiff and sore. i wish there was something topically i could apply to them to make it stop. i've tried a bunch of different over the counter creams but no luck, which is why i tried the emu oil.

Okay so that is the official update. ive been needle felting as the hobby of choice lately. very tedious and i love tedious. here is a pumkin i made. if your interested in buying one let me know. ill have other stuff too cause im going to finish my sheep when im done with the pumpkins. i also have a tuxedo cat that is almost done and pretty darn cute. so there is my quick advertisement of me.

your needle felting pill head

Gabapentin-Evil Yellow Pills

well its been a couple months because i was busy being a nutcase. for the last couple months i have done nothing but yell and cry. thank you gabapentin for ruining my life. okay not completely just for the last couple of months. i ended up in the e.r. over those evil pills cause i was losing it and had the worst migraine i have ever had. when i say losing it i mean losing it. felt like a bad trip on acid i had when i was a young dumb teen. after that i weaned off of them. i have some serious gaps in my memory now and still sometimes am not sure what is going on is real. hopefully this will all go away for good. the rheumy put me on a low dose of effexor. i guess thats supposed to help my pain. it won't, ive tried it before, but im playing the game. im being a good patient for fear of losing my pain pills that actually do help. i will now try to be here more regularly now that i am sort of back to what i call "normal".

your crazy crazy pill head

BLAH!

i've been away because we have been sick non stop. its getting a bit annoying. everytime someone gets better we get something else. anyway, i stopped the lyrica. we just couldn't afford it with everything else im taking. i would have stopped it anyway cause i gained ten pounds. as sedentary as i am i can't afford to gain any weight.

i went to my golden rheumy appointment. he was alright. i sound so rehearsed now when i tell them whats going on. he felt me everywhere and determined i hurt everywhere. he said i definitely have fibromyalgia and chronic pain. damn. i don't want to have fibro. if you tell someone you have that they roll their eyes and assume you are over emotional and causing it just by your inability to control yourself. ugh. so im not telling my mum i have it. i already know what she thinks about it anyway. i had more blood work done cause my ana labs were missing and no one has checked my thyroid or maybe those results were missing too. i told him my ana came back fine but he wanted to run it anyway. he didn't say what the rash is and i was hoping he would. he put me on lyricas mom, neurontin, and muscle relaxers so i will sleep. lol whats that? funny thing is since last weekend i have done nothing but sleep and still am exhausted. the muscle relaxers do help me go to sleep but i wake up like i did before. i have also had a headache for a week now. not sure what that is all about but my regular doc was nice enough to prescribe me migraine meds. a god thing, i guess, is that my date witht he rheumy went so well he wants to see me again. i'll have to write down a couple questions for him on my next visit. all in all im pretty depressed about the whole thing. i don't know what i was expecting. something different from what i've heard? i don't know. when i got back from the rheumy i went to sleep and when i woke up i felt awful. my husband says im worse having gone. lol not really it's just that im having another flare up and with being sick i'm just plain zombified. i don't know if i had mentioned before that i stopped the ultram and am taking talwin for pain now. works better and during a flare provides a little relief unlike the ultram. so thats the big update. maybe ill keep up better with this blog. it has potential to at least give me a place to vent.

your neighborhood pill head