Vacations Over

it is hardly a vacation. more like laziness, lack of creative thought, lack of desire to say anymore about anything. how long have i been away? i do not know as i would have to look and im too lazy. i know it has been over a year though. you have missed plenty of drama. wish i had missed all that drama. there was a baby in late summer 2011 that was not supposed to be here until late fall 2011. she was wanting out of  the pathetic contraption that is my abdomen. talk about major failure. i wasn't even supposed to have a baby again because of my huge hernia, stan. the pill didn't work and so now we have another child. she was three months early and i was 2 pints of blood shy of death. another close call, my closest yet. apparently though i am supposed to be here still and so is she. recovery was hell. i am being kind in that description. stan was temporarily closed but he managed to bust free of his stitches. a year later and my abdomen is sucking itself inward. my body has decided to consume itself. talk about overeating. i need a surgeon, a good one. my belly button is closed and my stomach has taken on a new shape in a matter of two months. i am convinced my abdomen is a vortex that is going to eventually suck all of me into. now why have i not run to a surgeon to fix this? one very good reason. im dependant on pain medication. due to this, as i found out after my emergency c-section, pain medication given after surgery does not do anything for me. in fact they gave me so much dilaudid(sp?, too lazy to look) that a nurse had to sit by my bed and remind me to breathe, and still  had no pain relief from that awful surgery. i have pictures of my stomach i will post later. anyway, if i get my stomach fixed i will have to go through hell again and i do not want to go through that again. i was so messed up after i told my husband there was no god. cause you see i prayed and prayed for relief and received none. so again i say, hell. perhaps next year the memory from that will not be so fresh. perhaps next year i will be brave. probably not. what is probably going to happen is something will break so badly i'll need an e.r. one night. i figure it will be that i can't pee anymore or something like that. either way it will not be pretty. nothing ever is with me.
  in other news, the fibro and the ebv and the my body sucks, continues as always. i think i have gotten worse physically the last six months or so. i have a 2 inch cyst on my kidney that im supposed to see a urologist about but urologists are satan and my mom told me not to talk to him. i dont think its bothering me anyway. i've had major issues with headaches. my doctor will only prescribe one type of migraine pill and it does not work so i use muscle relaxers for those. i had a headache for three bloody months. i still get a headache a few times a week varying from bad to full blown migraine. no big deal. you adapt. you keep on. i mean seriouslyit could be worse. i could be dieing. im not dieing and i dont usually feel like im dieing so i consider that a good thing. a positive. there really are many positives in life. i can sit here and tell you everything i struggle with most everyday but in the big grand scheme of things i am alive. i dont even care about quality of life, i am alive. i make light of this as much as possble because it is all really funny. painful but funny. my mother does not think so but again i say it is funny. if life gives you lemons, let them rot. seriously, let them rot. i have enough to do without having to worry about a bunch of lemons. yeah there are those fools making lemonade with their lemons but i am not that guy. throw them out. it is just more work to do something with them. so thats my great advice and my great adventure this past year or so. now that i have started talking  do not want to stop. oh well, since i am alive there will be other days to bore you on.

your friendly pill head